We’d like to make a clear distinction between suffering we can avoid and suffering we cannot.

Two simple examples might help.

Unavoidable suffering : my uncle’s leukemia caused him to suffer

Avoidable suffering : putting off studying for an exam causes anxiety

A professor once taught me Marco, only lean into suffering after you’ve done everything in your power to alleviate it. The first step is struggle, not aquiesence. When nothing we try helps, we may sigh and offer it up. But there is a little part of my heart that knows this suffering is senseless. And this is where we got stuck in our marriage.

I try and try and try and still I come up with the same results. After giving it everything I’ve got…months, years, decades… it really is quite reasonable what I conclude:

I guess this is marriage.

I guess my spouse is just wired this way.

I married the wrong person.

I’m supposed to offer this up.

But if my spouse isn’t willing to change, we are stuck.

But what if the way of authentic, profound, life long love is something I was never taught?

We’d been faithfully married for 16 years. We were “good” Catholics but we didn’t like each other. We’d wounded trust enough that we no longer leaned in. Leaning out was safer. Leaning out kept peace in our home. We’d run out of things to try and with it went our hope to try again.

Convinced of our poverty, we searched for Jesus to make this sacrament possible once more.

God wanted to give us more but we were going to have to grow taller in order to reach it.

What if the antidote to suffering isn’t in our marriage? What if it it hides in the larger Christian family?

Suffering isn’t good because it hurts. Suffering is good because the pain gets my attention. Suffering can open our heart with desire. Desire for conversion. Now, here is the true cross. To accept the suffering of my role. It will hurt to see my weakness, to admit my clumsiness with her heart, to ask for forgiveness, again. Both of us knowing I’m not yet the man who can stop.

In this place I finally start to see His invitation. To turn my gaze from my girl and onto my God. Please help. Please teach me. I will study, I will pursue practical wisdom in how to change, I will come before you in prayer so that I don’t forget what you have shown me.

If we can avoid suffering in our marriage relationship, we really should. Our children and neighbors need to see God’s love alive. Our married love, lived well, does this from the roof tops! If we don’t know how, the pain is my invitation to learn.

Jesus’s suffering brought new life. I question anytime I notice my suffering bring death: maybe this is an invitation to grow through the suffering, not wallow in it?

Unavoidable suffering is a subject for a different day.

For today, I invite you to learn His ways. Easy yokes and light burdens. God is waiting to teach you to be Simon of Cyrene for one another.

Sincerely,

Marco & Erica